TWENTY-FIFTEEN

Heyyyyy its the last day of 2015!

I made it through the wilderness~~
Somehow i made it throooough~~

hahah okay that was random.

could say that this year is a roller coaster ride.
the one with the scary peak where you go up veeeery slowly,
then you go zooom!
then comes the triple loops,
it didnt end there.
the track even goes underwater through a dark tunnel.
phew!

im glad THAT almost over.
at least for this year lah.

im supposed to do my literature review
and my lesson plan for spm chemistry and physics.
but
i have to do this first.
before i forgot.

i made a to-do list earlier this year
a few of em didnt get to be crossed out this year
which means i have to bring it forward to 2016.
same goes to my to-buy list.
so 2015.
got my first job. checked.
got my first salary. checked.
pursue masters degree because i promised myself if i didnt find a permanent job by june, i'll do that. checked.
got my first car. checked.

2015 taught me to be strong
and patient
and to believe
and stay positive
and just go with the flow
and not overthink
and that whatever you do, He is The Almighty.
When He commands be, and it is.
He knows everything and i mean EVERYTHING.

what's waiting for me in 2016?
a new job as a private tutor
a program im managing (not really)
iza's wedding in february
a bachelorette party for shikin
my proposal defense
a trip to Sydney (may boss approve my holiday)
SHIKIN'S WEDDING AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
wow that's already a lot.

well i think i better stop now.
got a thesis to write
got a call to make
got slides to prepare!

so thank you 2015!

and HELLO 2016!

gotta start my 2016 to-do list as well

HOW TO END A STORY

So munirah shared a joke last night which went like this:

A man was sick and tired 

of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went  through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put

in 8 hours while my wife

merely stays at home.

I want her to know what

I go through

So, please allow her body to

switch with mine for a day.

God, in his infinite wisdom,

granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough,

the man awoke as a woman...

he arose, cooked breakfast

for his mate, awakened the kids,

set out their school clothes,

fed them breakfast,

packed their lunches,

drove them to school,

came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

took it to the cleaners

and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

went grocery shopping,

then drove home to put away the groceries.

Then it was already 1 PM

and he hurried to make the beds,

do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep 

and mop the kitchen floor,

ran to the school to pick up the kids 

and got into an argument with them on the way home,

set out milk and cookies 

and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then set up the ironing board 

and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes 

and washing vegetables for salad,

breaded the pork chops

and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,

ran the dishwasher,

folded laundry,

bathed the kids and put them to bed.

At 9 PM he was exhausted

and, though his daily chores weren't finished, 

he went to bed where he was expected to make love, 

which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke

and immediately knelt by the

bed and said: -

Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay

home all day

Please, Oh! Please,

let us trade back.. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson 

and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

But you'll have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night"

Then in labour room after the baby is born

God says:

You've done a good job keeping your fetus healthy 

and bringing him into this world, 

and see how adorable he is.

And only you have the breast milk ...

I shared it with Dol
He claimed that the joke was dark
He had an ending for the joke which sounds like this:

the guy learnt his lesson

but no

he's trapped in that female body for another 9 months

the guy then felt tortured both physically and mentally

he tried to scream and tell his kids it's him, their dad

but none of them believe him

even his 'husband'-self thinks it was a joke

in the end,

he went nuts

torutred

but no one knows.

I told him that was wayyyy too twisted

So i told him my version of the ending:

God says he needs to breastfeed

so after breastfeeding ends

he's be himself again

learnt his lesson

and be grateful that he's a guy

and live his life as he is

and

he respects women more

he understands how it feels to be a lady.

The End.

He agreed that my ending was better

Which ending do you like better?

How would you end this story?

FATIN VS EMPTY WALLET

these few weeks
i'm having a hard time choosing outfits before stepping out of ze house
its either i dont fit in em anymore or i think i've worn it last week so i aint wearing it again this week.
bottom line,
i need new clothes!
but my wallet said i dont and im in a big fight with him right now.
havent spoke to him for almost 2 weeks now

this morning,
i changed from my usual cardigan with jeans
(because i had to wear it with my black shawl in which ive worn yesterday)
to my long dress
(i feel kinda fat looking at my bulging tummy)
to baju kurung 
(i wanna wear my sketchers and it kinda look weird even though it doesnt really look weird but i feel weird)
and back to my long dress
(who cares bout my bulging tummy i'll be staying indoors from 9 to 5 anyway)

if you follow me on twitter you would know that i applied loan for car pterol from my mom
and im willing to do anything for money at this point.
oyyyyy halal things lah of course
keep it halal zizturrr
astaghfirullahalazimmmm..

you see? that's how poor i am right now

why?

because gaji belom masok and im not sure what's the reason this time.
i told my boss about it and he said he'll ask the person in charge.

oh and i dont undderstand some people
who actually requested to borrow money
from people who they barely talk to (friends or family)
i mean like
you need help then only you come to me?
like that ka?
wowww you got balls

okay i actually wanted to talk about something else
but i got carried away and i didnt really expect to rant on me not having money this long
hahah

okay better get to work.

Assalamualaikum!

WHO LET ME ADULT?!

I admit that i've been so busy lately
i rarely have time to hang out with my friends
i would squeeze in a little
and grab any chance i could to catch up with em
but sadly it was never mutual.

what had i been up to?

started with my Masters program meaning that i have to go
to UNIMAS every morning at 8.30
then i'll go back at 4

been tutoring my cousin for PT3 for the final 4 weeks every night;
in which the exam starts today

Dialysis Duty every Monday, Wednesday and Friday

been busy with the preparation for Nek Us' 87th this coming Wednesday,
which left me with no leisure weekends

my head's been a mess lately
so i wasnt really in the mood for dramas
hence i ignore most of the things that dont benefit my time

my only free times are during meal times
i used to lepak dudok lamak2 during meal times
but now not so much
i kinda miss those times.
hanging out and catching up with my friends.

im sorry i had to decline any of your invites,
im sorry i participate less in the group chats
im sorry that i've been so boring as a friend

im not sure if this is just me or anything
but i do kinda feel far from my friends
and i dont like that feeling

they said it's because it's a growing up phase
like everyone has their own things to do
and probably you gotta leave some things behind
but why would i leave my friends behind???

i dont want that!
i dont wanna adult.

WHO LET ME ADULT???!

AN EMOTIONAL POST

i might explode some day.

but i hope its not today.

and by today i mean every day from the day i wrote this post.

yes human has limits.

im not sure when i'll reach mine

and i hope it's still a long way.

ignorance is definitely my new bestfriend

ignoring everything

refusing to face the reality.

tell me what's been bothering you they said.

i wish i could

i couldnt even tell myself what

the least i could do is cry

it's a normal response to pain.

you know what?

i need a counsellor

that's for sure.

or perhaps someone who can really listen

whom i can talk to without them judging.

I'M A MESS

when you walk into a room
looking all jolly
then you see your friends
and then you start cracking jokes
and you guys laugh real hard
you laugh the hardest
like there's no tomorrow

awkward silence

okay now tell me
what's wrong?

what do you mean?

come on
don't reply my question with a question

there's nothing wrong.
im fine.

right.
what's wrong?
you know you cant hide things from us.

i'm fine.

BULLSHIT.



for someone who likes keeping things from others
and suffer the pain myself,
just because i dont want to burden them with my problems,
until i cant really handle it myself,
i need someone to tell BULLSHIT right to my face.

because I came to realise that im the kind of person
Who would rather be sad and miserable alone
Rather than dragging others to be miserable with me
I would rather see the silver linings on the cloud than the storm that lies ahead.

im happy-go-lucky and carefree, and that's what i want you to see.

I AM A CONTROL FREAK

you know how we always know where we're going
like it has been programmed in our head
like you're driving to work
and you just automatically know which junction to turn,
which lane to take
which traffic light to stop
and the next thing you know you've arrive your destination.

i wonder if life can be just like that
like everything has been programmed
and you would just automatically know what to do
without hesitations whatsoever,
that's the decision you're gonna make
and it's always gonna be the right decision
to lead you to the solution you've always wanted.

but
it's nothing like that.
it's like you're working at different places everyday
and you've got to figure out your way there
in which you'll definitely take the wrong turn,
using the wrong lane,
probably stop at a green light
or maybe going against the traffic.

im a control freak
and i always want things to go my way.

wake up fatin!
you're not GOD.

OF BEING EXTREMELY HONEST

The thing about being an extremely honest person
is you hurt the feelings of some people around you
without you realizing it.
But then again
we're not insulting the other party or anything

we're just telling them the hurtful truth

that nobody wants to hear

so far, my circle of friends still can accept my extreme honesty

i quote:

"9 years too late nak terasa ngan kau"

"nk terasa ngan kau tin? iboh jakkk kimsalam."

though some do feel that im being kinda harsh on them

but then they would just let it go.

some on the other hand,

would give me the silent treatment.

whatever.

when its ugly i'll say its ugly.

i know it can be a little harsh sometimes

and im totally sorry for that

but if you think im harsh,

you havent met nisa and amy.

peace out!

P/S: guess who will start working this monday as a part time research assistant to dr hushairi who happens to be natasha's dad for the next 2 months? yeppp

NOT SO JOBLESS ANYMORE

i kinda like the idea of working at home.
wait no.
i like the idea of having something to do at home
rather than watching movies, youtube videos ranting on twitter etc.
i feel more useful to the world. lol over..

like last monday,
i actually helped nini with her action research proposal
like helping her find past researches on silent way method of teaching second languages.
its kinda interesting.
no.
it IS interesting.

at this point,
i dont really care if i get an unpaid job
as long as i enjoy doing it
at least i get the benefit of interest (is there such thing? lol)
but then sampe bila nak oh?

i guess until i get a permanent job (or a part time that's fine too)
maybe not this year
maybe after i graduated my masters degree in psychology
in which i intended (finally) to pursue next intake.
pray for me
pray with me
inshaAllah.

Alhamdulillah
i no longer wake up feeling jobless
feeling not useful.
thanks to Abdullah Hakim for reminding me
to always start my day Lillahi Taala.

for now,
lets make the most of my time
enjoying my so called vacation
so called getaway

i think i should stop now.
because besides being an unpaid zookeper/bibik/gardener
i have a project to manage.
gotta submit the first draft of the proposal to my mentor by the end of today
so gotta get going!
it's gonna my first time managing a project
so wish me luck!

oh yess...

w327666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666

(owen and upin say hi)

assalamulaikum!

p/s: i take back the UNPAID things i said. i may not be paid with money, but inshaAllah with self-satisfaction and Pahala. Aamiinn..

I'M NO DR. LOVE

"i dont love you like i love you yesterday.." "i have no more feelings for you.." these words seem so  Easy to be said by people in relationships. i mean how can you not love that other person anymore? you dont say "i dont love you anymore mommy." kan? these people obviously have the wrong concept of love because love supposed to grow and not degrade.  im no doctor love but this is what i think. i may not understand (fully) about being in a relationship but what i know is relationship supposed to grow because love grows every minute and every day. there's a whole lot of other reasons to end a relationship.

hmmmm... come to think of it. maybe im wrong. maybe i still dont understand. its just a piece of mind anyways.

JOM MASUK U 2015

or JOM MASUK UIA as what they called it hahah

So yesterday I finally did something useful to my life after graduation.
yep..
there's this program called Jom Masuk U
which is an annual program held by HIKAM Sarawak..
It's more of a sharing get together with teenagers who just graduated high school
and will be entering university somewhere in april.
but this year is somewhat different because we managed to collaborate with a school
so we there were about 100 form 5 students of that school.

i wasnt planning on going at first because i dont exactly know where the place is.
the Abang John texted me to help out because they seem to have not enough crew members.
i couldnt say no.
so i dragged Ramzie who refused to come at first.
so i had to bribe him hahah..
thank you ramzie! you're the bestest bestfriend i've ever had since primary school!
claim your Sharing coupon whenever you're in kuching and of course when im there too.

it was a great experience
great sharing and everything.
this year was the most participants as compared to the previous 2 years

so here's the thing...
i dont know any of the other facilitators because i never met them in real life before.
most of them are Ramzie's junior in UIA
being myself,
i clicked right away.

there's zakirah who is so very sweet and pretty and lemah lembut.
i like everything about her.
she insisted on calling me kak fatin even though she's like only one year younger.
in fact,
everyone called me kak fatin.

there's azrie who is Abang Hisyam's look-a-like.
the way he talks, the way he brings himself, how he argues with me
i told ramzie he's the next Abang Hisyam.

there's razi who happens to be syuk's brother.
he's so small.
i shared the same sharing booth with him because he studied a little bit of psychology

and there's also afiq, the coordinator for JMU Bintulu.
he's a funny guy.
kept on teasing me being the only one from UNIMAS.

there are others too
asmah, jannah, siddiq, rahim and the others.
didnt talk with them much though.
but still,
nice people.

azrie asked me to fill in the sharing moment slot for like half an hour.
so i talked for half an hour in a crowd of 120++
it wasnt really an easy crowd because you know, school kids that age.
i managed to recruit one kid to join the Cognitive Science family.
i think his name is Firdaus.

Azrie: Thank you, kak fatin for the sharing..

Me: No problem..

Azrie: So what's next for you? pahal kitak sik mok nyambung master?

Me: Sebab kamek mok kerja lok. at least like muun kamek nymabung after having the experience of working, i have a different point of view masa study..

Azrie: Mena jwak.. kumpul duit lok oh. Nak kawen lah tok. boh lupak kamek.

Me: InshaAllah. mesti jemput. tapi not anytime soon lah.. hahah

Razi: Aie abang kamek dah kawen. kitak gik lah kawen..

Me: mmmpph ndak lah jwak. macam trend jak oh urang kawen awal..

Razi: macam batch kitak jak rami kawen awal. batch kamke urang xda pun.

Me: mena sik? okayy.. kali born tahun kerak ya ada kenja mancal sikit. hahah

All: hahah!

will be in Kuching for Jom Masuk U Kuching
so see you guys there!

FROZEN WAFFLES, A YELLOW UMBRELLA AND A BLUE FRENCH HORN

im not sure if you remember the frozen waffles theory in HIMYM
but it goes something like
you went to the freezer to look for frozen waffles
but there aint no frozen waffles
then you went out to get papers
but you came back with frozen waffles.

you know like when you're looking for that certain something
but you didnt find that thing.
but somehow when you were out to get some other things
you ended up getting the thing that you want in the first place.
get what i mean?

so yeah..
now that you found the frozen waffles.
you should enjoy it while you have it before it finishes
with some ice cream and chocolate drizzles and some strawberries and not to forget salted caramel.

maybe you dont want the waffles to finish.
well at least you want the sweet sweet taste lingers in your mouth til the end of your life.
because it was so good.

but the goal is not only the frozen waffles.
you also wanna get a yellow umbrella.
like you know for times where you'll be out on the street,
maybe homeless
you still wanna enjoy the waffles in a rainy afternoon.
so you have your yellow umbrella
to protect you from the rain.
to protect the waffles from being soggy and all.
right?

and it gets more and more interesting.
you also want a a blue french horn.
yeah..
something out of the ordinary.
why would you need that?
well it's something special
something that maybe other people dont have.
but you have it
so you can brag about it.
because you always want one.

let say its a rainy sunday afternoon
you're enjoying your waffles under the yellow umbrella
heyy there's a blue french horn
which you dont find every day
not even once a year
so you decided to keep it
to hold on to it
cherish it like it's your own life.

at the end of the day,
you found frozen waffles,
you got your yellow umbrella
and to top it all of,
a blue french horn.

i know it doesnt really make sense to you,
but who cares.
my post my blog my like.

OF KIDS AND BIG PARTIES

"i just dont understand why parents nowadays like to throw big birthday parties like that for their kids. awal-awal dah nunjok ngan anak dirik banyak duit. ujong-ujong kelak anak nait palak. maok tok berik maok ya berik. berik berik berik..."

"i will not raise my kids that way, ma. nope. not gonna happen.. thank you ma, for not raising me like that.. i love youuuuuu..."

i had a conversation with mama on how parents nowadays treat their kids

like how they pamper them so much,

give this give that.

you know

like before the baby was even born they threw a baby shower

then the majlis akikah would be like a wedding

and then the kid turned 1, they threw a big birthday party

and it doesnt even end there.

second birthday,

third birthday, fourth, fifth and so on.

next thing you know, the kids grew up to be spoil brats

im glad that i wasnt raised that way.

Alhamdulillah.

i celebrated my birthdays with my family and friends

in which we celebrated it like once a month.

you know,

kumpul semua birthday cousins sekali then celebrate sekali.

with one cake.

sharing.

well basically, it was just to get everyone together.

because

well,

that's what my family likes to do.

get together and eat together.

my mom and i even joked about it:

"ma, have you thrown me a big birthday party?"

"nope. not that i know off. i dont think so. oh wait, the one in kuching?"

"ma, that's different. like that's normal makan makan macam biasa.."

"well then, no. pahal? maok kah?"

"maok! kamek mok polah di......."

"hotel?! bah polah lah..."

"yes! jemput keith foo boleh sik?"

"jempuuuttt... apahal sik jemput lona?"

"lona who?"

"aieh.. lotna.. telotna.. the one on your computer screen.."

"aoklah hooo! we share the same birthday! okay forget keith foo. imma call lautner tonight!"

soooooooo i'll be celebrating my birthday with taylor lautner this year.

wanna be in my guests list?

mihmihmih

OF BEING MAD AND SELFISH

how often do you wake up early in the morning,
feeling so miserable, mad at yourself for no reason,
and just need to let it all out of your system.

me?
once a month.
i bet most women experience the same thing.

these couple of days i just feel like
ugh!
im so mad at myself.
that i really need distractions.
that i really need someone to talk to
without getting on my nerves
without being annoying and all.

im a person who dont really like to get mad at other people.
when i am,
i would just normally keep it to myself.
or maybe write about it.
talking about it with another person would be the last thing i'd do.
i just dont like the idea of getting mad at people.
to me,
getting mad is a selfish act.
there's always reasons behind every action, you know.
maybe A behaves in a certain way that probably YOU dont approve of
and then YOU without even thinking what makes A behaves that way.
this is why at the end of the day,
i will be mad at myself for being mad at people.
realising that i didnt consider their reasons of behaving such a way.
be positive.

BE POSITIVE
.
BE POSITIVE

BE POSITIVE

Gosh.
that is somewhat complicated.

maybe its just my hormones.
women's hormones during menses work in a very weird complicated way.
making us women feel like such losers
like a patient with mental disorders or something
an emotional disorder maybe.
you're happy and laughing and then the next thing you're crying and be mad at yourself.
last night, i cried watching joe flizzow's apa khabar mv.
because i just knew that the song was dedicated to his long lost bestfriend.
and hearing the words and watching everything.
it's just too touching.


i think i need to cry one more time
just to let this uneasy feeling out of my system
before my telephone interview with NES this afternoon.
because that's just how i deal with emotions.

i think imma watch my sister's keeper
and weep
before i prepare something for the interview.

this is so pathetic.

GROWING UP

"what's your vision? what do you wanna achieve in the future?"

have you ever thought of this before?

like what's the purpose of you living in this universe?

you know that you cant just live and breathe and wait til Izrail take your life from you.

you might as well just be a robot

well at least a robot has a purpose in life

like to help easing a human's life or so.

perhaps you should be a zombie.

yep.

live your life like a zombie.

no purpose in life and all you can think about is eat people's brain.

i dont wanna be a zombie.

i wanna be me.

i wanna be the one and only Dayang Nurfatin Farzana, daughter of Awang Hamid.

(i made myself sound so indian. well it is in the blood though hahah)

all this while,

i've been holding to the "live to eat" principle.

you know.

hidup untuk makan.

i know its kinda wrong

but you gotta love good food.

haha im kidding.

i have a whole list of things that i wanna do before i die.

like to satisfy my own self.

you know things like

go travelling

have lots of money so i could buy things ive always wanted

learn how to ride a bicycle

you know

those kinda things.

looking back at those things i wanna do,

it sounds so selfish.

like

its just for myself - my own satisfaction.

what about contributing to the society?

or maybe to the world?

i came across one of the things in my bucket list which is:

to be a volunteer and help people (around the world)

yessss...

that's what i wanna do.

i want people to be happy

to put smile on their faces.

i wanna have empathy for what others are feeling

to put myself in their shoes.

i wanna make changes

especially to the mind set of the society today.

i wanna be giving

to be able to put others ahead of me and not be selfish

i wanna be inspiring

in which can only be achieved when i become successful

 and most importantly,

i wanna do the right thing.

how am i supposed to do all these?

well,

to be able to help people and make changes at the same time,

everything starts from the mind.

human perception.

the first step in a cognition process.

how people perceive things.

once i managed to grasp this,

the rest would be somewhat easy.

making changes is not an easy thing to do.

but we can start slow.

nurture it from the root.

it is my responsibility as the younger generation - the one who's gonna shape the future

to be able to take things slow and start promoting the changes.

i can probably start small,

my circle of friends.

inshaAllah...

so

"what's your vision? what do you wanna achieve in the future?"

my answer:

"to influence the younger generation to be able to make changes to the society so that the world would be a better place to live in..."

sounds like a big plan, eh?

BISMILLAH...

p/s: if mama wouldnt have pointed this question to me the other day, i wouldnt have been in this deep deep thought. i swear i even felt like a failure at one point for not having a vision. i was like, what am even doing with my life?

 

WOMEN ARE COMPLICATED

two weeks in bintulu
and i've come to that point where i dont feel like leaving my room unless i really have to
like
when i have to take my shower
when i have to pray
when i have to eat
etc.

yes people
im having proper meal
because i need to exercise in the evening.
yep
making that a habit routine now.
4 km walk (at least) every day when its not raining.
in fact
its in my 2015 to-do list
so
there you have it..

speaking of which...

i dropped a question to mama yesterday during the walk
and now im dropping this to you.

it's a random thought i get
when im all alone.

you know how people always say women are very complicated?
well i realised that
we are kinda complicated in a way.
even language make women look so complicated
so psychologically speaking,
our mind has been set from the beginning that women ARE complicated.
you know
conditioning.

what do you mean language make women look so complicated?

you see
men whether they are married or still single
we address them as mr...
mr lautner mr kim mr brown and so on.

as for us women,
we have different address for married women (madam) and single women (miss)
and we even have mrs also to address married women.
like
why do we even have more than one address???
cant we just like have one universal address for both married and single women?
i tried googling for the answer
but there seem to have none related articles.

i made mama speechless yesterday hahah
abdullah hakim asked me to ask the language creator
eh
have you ever thought how people create languages?
like how they come up with words to represent things?
hmmmmm...

im probably be thinking too much
but
i dont know
it's kinda good i think
to keep my mind busy
so that it wont rust.

afer all
im alone at home.
talking to myself
while writing this post.

LOL

JUST DO IT!

hey its 2015!

and im still in holiday mood.
lol
more like
"unemployed so im just gonna stay at home and enjoy the free wifi" mood.

ive been reading online manga lately
i like the shoujo romance kinda manga
so benon recommended me a few.

that explains why im not really in the group chats/whatsapp (heheh...)
but i respond to private chats and tweets though..

one thing i noticed from reading all those manga
is that
japanese school kids
they have that courage of confessing their love to the other gender
its like
they're ready for whatever comes ahead
like
whether they'll be accepted or rejected.
they were like
just go for it!
i kinda admire that.
the courage that is...

i had this similar talk with aunty jijot (mama's bestfriend/colleague)

"have you ever thought why nike's tagline is 'just do it!'?"

"never thought of it..."

"they were encouraging people to just do what they want. for example the shoes. do what you want with the shoes. jump, run or fly if you can... if you believe that you can, well, just do it!"

believe in yourself

and

just

do

it!

P/S: i got my to-do and to-buy list ready. gonna keep updating it if something crosses my mind. i got til february 10 to complete the list, before i turn 23.