AN EMOTIONAL POST

i might explode some day.

but i hope its not today.

and by today i mean every day from the day i wrote this post.

yes human has limits.

im not sure when i'll reach mine

and i hope it's still a long way.

ignorance is definitely my new bestfriend

ignoring everything

refusing to face the reality.

tell me what's been bothering you they said.

i wish i could

i couldnt even tell myself what

the least i could do is cry

it's a normal response to pain.

you know what?

i need a counsellor

that's for sure.

or perhaps someone who can really listen

whom i can talk to without them judging.

I'M A MESS

when you walk into a room
looking all jolly
then you see your friends
and then you start cracking jokes
and you guys laugh real hard
you laugh the hardest
like there's no tomorrow

awkward silence

okay now tell me
what's wrong?

what do you mean?

come on
don't reply my question with a question

there's nothing wrong.
im fine.

right.
what's wrong?
you know you cant hide things from us.

i'm fine.

BULLSHIT.



for someone who likes keeping things from others
and suffer the pain myself,
just because i dont want to burden them with my problems,
until i cant really handle it myself,
i need someone to tell BULLSHIT right to my face.

because I came to realise that im the kind of person
Who would rather be sad and miserable alone
Rather than dragging others to be miserable with me
I would rather see the silver linings on the cloud than the storm that lies ahead.

im happy-go-lucky and carefree, and that's what i want you to see.

I AM A CONTROL FREAK

you know how we always know where we're going
like it has been programmed in our head
like you're driving to work
and you just automatically know which junction to turn,
which lane to take
which traffic light to stop
and the next thing you know you've arrive your destination.

i wonder if life can be just like that
like everything has been programmed
and you would just automatically know what to do
without hesitations whatsoever,
that's the decision you're gonna make
and it's always gonna be the right decision
to lead you to the solution you've always wanted.

but
it's nothing like that.
it's like you're working at different places everyday
and you've got to figure out your way there
in which you'll definitely take the wrong turn,
using the wrong lane,
probably stop at a green light
or maybe going against the traffic.

im a control freak
and i always want things to go my way.

wake up fatin!
you're not GOD.

OF BEING EXTREMELY HONEST

The thing about being an extremely honest person
is you hurt the feelings of some people around you
without you realizing it.
But then again
we're not insulting the other party or anything

we're just telling them the hurtful truth

that nobody wants to hear

so far, my circle of friends still can accept my extreme honesty

i quote:

"9 years too late nak terasa ngan kau"

"nk terasa ngan kau tin? iboh jakkk kimsalam."

though some do feel that im being kinda harsh on them

but then they would just let it go.

some on the other hand,

would give me the silent treatment.

whatever.

when its ugly i'll say its ugly.

i know it can be a little harsh sometimes

and im totally sorry for that

but if you think im harsh,

you havent met nisa and amy.

peace out!

P/S: guess who will start working this monday as a part time research assistant to dr hushairi who happens to be natasha's dad for the next 2 months? yeppp

NOT SO JOBLESS ANYMORE

i kinda like the idea of working at home.
wait no.
i like the idea of having something to do at home
rather than watching movies, youtube videos ranting on twitter etc.
i feel more useful to the world. lol over..

like last monday,
i actually helped nini with her action research proposal
like helping her find past researches on silent way method of teaching second languages.
its kinda interesting.
no.
it IS interesting.

at this point,
i dont really care if i get an unpaid job
as long as i enjoy doing it
at least i get the benefit of interest (is there such thing? lol)
but then sampe bila nak oh?

i guess until i get a permanent job (or a part time that's fine too)
maybe not this year
maybe after i graduated my masters degree in psychology
in which i intended (finally) to pursue next intake.
pray for me
pray with me
inshaAllah.

Alhamdulillah
i no longer wake up feeling jobless
feeling not useful.
thanks to Abdullah Hakim for reminding me
to always start my day Lillahi Taala.

for now,
lets make the most of my time
enjoying my so called vacation
so called getaway

i think i should stop now.
because besides being an unpaid zookeper/bibik/gardener
i have a project to manage.
gotta submit the first draft of the proposal to my mentor by the end of today
so gotta get going!
it's gonna my first time managing a project
so wish me luck!

oh yess...

w327666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666

(owen and upin say hi)

assalamulaikum!

p/s: i take back the UNPAID things i said. i may not be paid with money, but inshaAllah with self-satisfaction and Pahala. Aamiinn..

I'M NO DR. LOVE

"i dont love you like i love you yesterday.." "i have no more feelings for you.." these words seem so  Easy to be said by people in relationships. i mean how can you not love that other person anymore? you dont say "i dont love you anymore mommy." kan? these people obviously have the wrong concept of love because love supposed to grow and not degrade.  im no doctor love but this is what i think. i may not understand (fully) about being in a relationship but what i know is relationship supposed to grow because love grows every minute and every day. there's a whole lot of other reasons to end a relationship.

hmmmm... come to think of it. maybe im wrong. maybe i still dont understand. its just a piece of mind anyways.

JOM MASUK U 2015

or JOM MASUK UIA as what they called it hahah

So yesterday I finally did something useful to my life after graduation.
yep..
there's this program called Jom Masuk U
which is an annual program held by HIKAM Sarawak..
It's more of a sharing get together with teenagers who just graduated high school
and will be entering university somewhere in april.
but this year is somewhat different because we managed to collaborate with a school
so we there were about 100 form 5 students of that school.

i wasnt planning on going at first because i dont exactly know where the place is.
the Abang John texted me to help out because they seem to have not enough crew members.
i couldnt say no.
so i dragged Ramzie who refused to come at first.
so i had to bribe him hahah..
thank you ramzie! you're the bestest bestfriend i've ever had since primary school!
claim your Sharing coupon whenever you're in kuching and of course when im there too.

it was a great experience
great sharing and everything.
this year was the most participants as compared to the previous 2 years

so here's the thing...
i dont know any of the other facilitators because i never met them in real life before.
most of them are Ramzie's junior in UIA
being myself,
i clicked right away.

there's zakirah who is so very sweet and pretty and lemah lembut.
i like everything about her.
she insisted on calling me kak fatin even though she's like only one year younger.
in fact,
everyone called me kak fatin.

there's azrie who is Abang Hisyam's look-a-like.
the way he talks, the way he brings himself, how he argues with me
i told ramzie he's the next Abang Hisyam.

there's razi who happens to be syuk's brother.
he's so small.
i shared the same sharing booth with him because he studied a little bit of psychology

and there's also afiq, the coordinator for JMU Bintulu.
he's a funny guy.
kept on teasing me being the only one from UNIMAS.

there are others too
asmah, jannah, siddiq, rahim and the others.
didnt talk with them much though.
but still,
nice people.

azrie asked me to fill in the sharing moment slot for like half an hour.
so i talked for half an hour in a crowd of 120++
it wasnt really an easy crowd because you know, school kids that age.
i managed to recruit one kid to join the Cognitive Science family.
i think his name is Firdaus.

Azrie: Thank you, kak fatin for the sharing..

Me: No problem..

Azrie: So what's next for you? pahal kitak sik mok nyambung master?

Me: Sebab kamek mok kerja lok. at least like muun kamek nymabung after having the experience of working, i have a different point of view masa study..

Azrie: Mena jwak.. kumpul duit lok oh. Nak kawen lah tok. boh lupak kamek.

Me: InshaAllah. mesti jemput. tapi not anytime soon lah.. hahah

Razi: Aie abang kamek dah kawen. kitak gik lah kawen..

Me: mmmpph ndak lah jwak. macam trend jak oh urang kawen awal..

Razi: macam batch kitak jak rami kawen awal. batch kamke urang xda pun.

Me: mena sik? okayy.. kali born tahun kerak ya ada kenja mancal sikit. hahah

All: hahah!

will be in Kuching for Jom Masuk U Kuching
so see you guys there!

FROZEN WAFFLES, A YELLOW UMBRELLA AND A BLUE FRENCH HORN

im not sure if you remember the frozen waffles theory in HIMYM
but it goes something like
you went to the freezer to look for frozen waffles
but there aint no frozen waffles
then you went out to get papers
but you came back with frozen waffles.

you know like when you're looking for that certain something
but you didnt find that thing.
but somehow when you were out to get some other things
you ended up getting the thing that you want in the first place.
get what i mean?

so yeah..
now that you found the frozen waffles.
you should enjoy it while you have it before it finishes
with some ice cream and chocolate drizzles and some strawberries and not to forget salted caramel.

maybe you dont want the waffles to finish.
well at least you want the sweet sweet taste lingers in your mouth til the end of your life.
because it was so good.

but the goal is not only the frozen waffles.
you also wanna get a yellow umbrella.
like you know for times where you'll be out on the street,
maybe homeless
you still wanna enjoy the waffles in a rainy afternoon.
so you have your yellow umbrella
to protect you from the rain.
to protect the waffles from being soggy and all.
right?

and it gets more and more interesting.
you also want a a blue french horn.
yeah..
something out of the ordinary.
why would you need that?
well it's something special
something that maybe other people dont have.
but you have it
so you can brag about it.
because you always want one.

let say its a rainy sunday afternoon
you're enjoying your waffles under the yellow umbrella
heyy there's a blue french horn
which you dont find every day
not even once a year
so you decided to keep it
to hold on to it
cherish it like it's your own life.

at the end of the day,
you found frozen waffles,
you got your yellow umbrella
and to top it all of,
a blue french horn.

i know it doesnt really make sense to you,
but who cares.
my post my blog my like.

OF KIDS AND BIG PARTIES

"i just dont understand why parents nowadays like to throw big birthday parties like that for their kids. awal-awal dah nunjok ngan anak dirik banyak duit. ujong-ujong kelak anak nait palak. maok tok berik maok ya berik. berik berik berik..."

"i will not raise my kids that way, ma. nope. not gonna happen.. thank you ma, for not raising me like that.. i love youuuuuu..."

i had a conversation with mama on how parents nowadays treat their kids

like how they pamper them so much,

give this give that.

you know

like before the baby was even born they threw a baby shower

then the majlis akikah would be like a wedding

and then the kid turned 1, they threw a big birthday party

and it doesnt even end there.

second birthday,

third birthday, fourth, fifth and so on.

next thing you know, the kids grew up to be spoil brats

im glad that i wasnt raised that way.

Alhamdulillah.

i celebrated my birthdays with my family and friends

in which we celebrated it like once a month.

you know,

kumpul semua birthday cousins sekali then celebrate sekali.

with one cake.

sharing.

well basically, it was just to get everyone together.

because

well,

that's what my family likes to do.

get together and eat together.

my mom and i even joked about it:

"ma, have you thrown me a big birthday party?"

"nope. not that i know off. i dont think so. oh wait, the one in kuching?"

"ma, that's different. like that's normal makan makan macam biasa.."

"well then, no. pahal? maok kah?"

"maok! kamek mok polah di......."

"hotel?! bah polah lah..."

"yes! jemput keith foo boleh sik?"

"jempuuuttt... apahal sik jemput lona?"

"lona who?"

"aieh.. lotna.. telotna.. the one on your computer screen.."

"aoklah hooo! we share the same birthday! okay forget keith foo. imma call lautner tonight!"

soooooooo i'll be celebrating my birthday with taylor lautner this year.

wanna be in my guests list?

mihmihmih

OF BEING MAD AND SELFISH

how often do you wake up early in the morning,
feeling so miserable, mad at yourself for no reason,
and just need to let it all out of your system.

me?
once a month.
i bet most women experience the same thing.

these couple of days i just feel like
ugh!
im so mad at myself.
that i really need distractions.
that i really need someone to talk to
without getting on my nerves
without being annoying and all.

im a person who dont really like to get mad at other people.
when i am,
i would just normally keep it to myself.
or maybe write about it.
talking about it with another person would be the last thing i'd do.
i just dont like the idea of getting mad at people.
to me,
getting mad is a selfish act.
there's always reasons behind every action, you know.
maybe A behaves in a certain way that probably YOU dont approve of
and then YOU without even thinking what makes A behaves that way.
this is why at the end of the day,
i will be mad at myself for being mad at people.
realising that i didnt consider their reasons of behaving such a way.
be positive.

BE POSITIVE
.
BE POSITIVE

BE POSITIVE

Gosh.
that is somewhat complicated.

maybe its just my hormones.
women's hormones during menses work in a very weird complicated way.
making us women feel like such losers
like a patient with mental disorders or something
an emotional disorder maybe.
you're happy and laughing and then the next thing you're crying and be mad at yourself.
last night, i cried watching joe flizzow's apa khabar mv.
because i just knew that the song was dedicated to his long lost bestfriend.
and hearing the words and watching everything.
it's just too touching.


i think i need to cry one more time
just to let this uneasy feeling out of my system
before my telephone interview with NES this afternoon.
because that's just how i deal with emotions.

i think imma watch my sister's keeper
and weep
before i prepare something for the interview.

this is so pathetic.