SOMETIMES

You know

Sometimes
I hate myself
for not being nosy
Because
I always thought
That if they wanna tell me
They would tell me.
There's no need to force.

I hate myself
For not being brave enough
To text people first
Because
I always thought that i might be
Disturbing them
Like maybe
They're in the middle of something
And me texting them
Might be a distraction.
That's why i never do that
Unless memang penting.

I hate myself for a lot of things
But these are the things that i could think of right now.
So yeah.
Im hitting publish.

Hmmmmm..
I think this is my estrogen talkimg.
Whatevs

FATIN DICKINSON

different from you

by natasha hushairi & fatin farzana hamid

i am unique, different from you

im not perfect, and i dont think you're too

i do as i may, whatever you say

cut me some slack, im not gonna crack.

i am unique different from you

i am fragile that is true

i desire protection from people i care

a person like me is very rare

i am unique different from you

at first they say, "hey i dont like you!"

get to know me first before you judge

because im cool like a big chocolate fudge

i am unique different from you

i crack jokes out of the blue

i laugh out loud when i want to

i cry it out when i have to

i scream out loud when the ghosts go boo!

to be a psychologist is my aim

that is what i wanna do

natasha hushairi is my name

and i am unique and different from you

p/s: natasha had to write a poem about herself for her assignment and she asked for my help. so this is what we came up with. not bad huh? 

GRADUATION GOGGLES

= The relief and nostalgic feeling one has about a time in their life when it is about to end, even if the time was completely miserable.

i just told dolah to cherish every single moment with his classmates
while he still can
because im having a hard time moving on...

from my college life.

you know when people say your life would be totally different

as soon as you've finished your study,

that you'll miss everything about it,

in which you denied it before you even be in that situation?

they weren't lying.

im serious.

im even considering to further my masters in coursework

instead of research

because i actually miss going to class..

i miss the environment..

i miss that moment where i wasnt really listening to the lecturer

because i was too busy tweeting,
or playing dumb ways to die,
in which i had influenced most of my classmates

and in the end i got nothing... from the lesson i mean..

i miss that moment where i actually sleep during the whole 2-hour statistics class

because the lecturer was too slow.

i miss that moment where i was late for Dr. Teh's class

and sneaked in the back door

because i dont wanna hear him babbling about time management.

oh and that final 1 hour of his class which i usually sneaked out

and hang out on my own

eating doughnuts from the nearest kiosk

because i couldnt stand being in the class anymore.

that thrilling moment of getting my assignments done

the night before the deadline

because im an avid procrastinator.

note that i started doing my thesis proposal one week before the presentation

and not to forget the actual research..

that feeling when i dont wanna go to class

and because we have an 80% attendance policy

i actually calculated the days of absence im allowed to have
to at least get that 80% attendance.

that annoyance when my group members
did a crappy work on the group assignment
in which i always ended up doing the whole thing on my own.
because im a perfectionist when it comes to those kinda work.

the conversation i had with Dr Tan
which he would always end up saying,

"Alaa.. you belanja me laa.. you kan banyak duit. orang kaya.. we go karaoke ka. watch movie ka.. can?"

that moment when i was caught
not attending Dr Kamal's class
because i was stranded at the faculty due to the heavy rain.
and i had an assignment to be submitted to him that very evening.
and we were like,

"haa Dayang, awak ponteng kelas saya eh?"

"bukan ponteng, sir. it was raining heavily. saya stuck kat faculty.."

"banyak la alasan awak. ponteng tetap ponteng.."

"betul sir.. hujan lebat kan pagi tadi.. sir nak chocolate?"

"tak nak.. saya tak ambil rasuah dari students.."

"eh.. sir ni bukan rasuah.. ni ikhlas dari student kepada lecturer.. haaa..."

"hahah.. macam2 la awak ni.."

and he would always tease me in class
when he brought the ponteng topic up..

aaaaaaaaaaah...
im really missing everything.
as much as everything annoyed me before.

A BOX, A LADDER, A HORSE & A STORM

so lela dropped this on me just now.
its not really a game though.
more of a personality test.
just thought i would share it.

so here goes.

size: small,

colour: brown

opacity: opaque

position: corner

number of steps: 16 and descending

my horse is free and is always on my right

it is faaaaaaaar faaaaaaaaar away and ilang datang

 so according to lela,

this is the analysis...

yep..

sometimes i lie to people

so that they wont be too worried..

because burdening people with my problems

is the last thing i wanna do.

unless i really really need support.

yes i have many friends..

and i love em all!

dont really like being lonely..

and yes i always think negatively,

the worst of the worst..

because when i think too positively of something,

it always ended up badly..

so when i think things negatively,

and then it turned out to be the opposite,

i wont be as disappointed..

well..

i am in a LDR

teehee..

and yes.

do what you want,

as long as you know your limits

because it's your life

and i dont wanna be in your way

refer to statement about box.

so there you have it.

TREASURE

bonjour tout le monde!

one week has passed,

and i still havent moved on from my internship.

everyday i would be like,

oh! its 8.30 circle time!

oh! 9 gym time!

oh! 9.30 breakfast!

oh! 10 they are all in class!

oh! 12 lunch time!

pathetic?

yes.

told ya im never great at saying goodbye.

to people, to things to everything!

that explains why i still keep things from ages ago.

i had a hard time deleting all the stupid whatsapp photos from my phone the other day

now that everything has been deleted, 

a part of me is kinda sad.

move on fatin move on!

speaking of which,

i did a lil bit of spring cleaning yesterday,

because my room is kinda a mess after they built the new closet.

so i found some stuff from back when i was still in high school

which is like 5 years ago.

OMG!

im old!

movin on....

just thought i would share some of em to you guys..

my first ever mp3. 

alkisah,

"ma, if i get straight a's for pmr i want an mp3 player.."

this was and in thing back then.

i remember parina had one in pink and farabi in black..

hahah..

the sad part is,

it was in the pocket of my baju kurung in which i sent it to the laundry.

yessssssss...

dah rosak..

T___T

after pmr,

we had this program

in which we were the pioneers.

MARA Gifted and Talented Youth Program..

so we were asked to write a diary on it.

reading back what i wrote.

so high school!

hahah

so like when we go out and wakil maktab,

we would definitely meet new friends and all.

and we would like exchange gifts and letters and such.

this is a letter from atiqah.

i met her masa iron baju d mrsm kuala klawang

we were waiting for our turn so we talked.

she's so nice and lemah lembut.

we met again in 2008 at muadzam shah.

a paper bag which we bought together back in 2008.

we = parina+eja+nini+wanny+embok+fatin.

so back in 2008,

i was the treasurer of badan wakil pelajar

in which i took care of the money as well as the inventory in the bilik gerakan.

so everytime during meeting,

i dont know why tapi this lorry memang pake main masa meeting.

i kinda feel like it has that sentimental value

so i brought it back home.

hahah!

remember this pieace of paper?

where you write raya greetings on it and give it to your friends?

i think this the last one i received before people stop sending this.

it was from farabi.

we sat together in class.

he had this whole tin of cream crackers

which is kept between our table

and we would share it during prep hours.

i kept my papers in my desk

so whenever he wanted to use it,

he would just take it without my consent.

we liked to wrap our table with present papers and would like decorate it with stuff.

this is from nazrin

he's very artistic i tell you..

he made this for me..

yepp..

still keep it.

this is the one that i did.

creative lah gilakkkk...

pfffttt...

hahah!

this is a cute one.

during english class

we were asked to make an ad for Taman Negara.

like konon visit malaysia year.

so we made something like

do you remember the visit singapore ad?

the one which went like

oh unik nya unik nya unik nya, singapura.

so our version was like

oh! so unique so unique so unique, Taman Negara

i was the tourist and each of us had like our own verses to sing.

there were parina, wanny, eja and syidah if im not mistaken.

the guest book for our graduation day.

spot my name?

nerd alert!

we walked all the way from pasir pandak to maktab

we started walking after isyak and arrived around 2 in the morning.

bronze.. not bad huh?

okay this is the last one.

not pooh but the mask.

our senior dinner theme was masquerade

so everyone gets one mask.

let me go back to school!

ADIEU

Just reading and chillin in the garden
When i realise i have 4 more days left
With the CADS kids.
Ive bonded well with my colleagues.
And saying goodbye is always the hardest
Been tearing up when naim mentioned that i wont be around in less than a week to the kids.
When kak rini asked when will i be departing then she sang a sad indonesian song.
When the interns from uk had their farewell last friday.
Time flies so fast.

Well
as hard as it gets,
We have to move on.

Life has to go on.

NIGHTMARE OR NAY?

I dont know why but that dream is haunting me.
Maybe because it's my first
And i dont really know what to do.
Like seriously.
My brother follows my blog
but i dont think he'd read my recent posts
because if he did
he wouldve text me like poret.

My mom and aunty still think im imaginatively dating syed fuad.
Yes dolah.
I have an imaginary boyfriend which mama approved.
*insert evil emoji*

So i dreamt that i had the talk with ayah one day.
He asked me who's my boyfriend.
So i mentioned dolah.
Then he laughed like real hard.
Then i asked him why.
He asked me what happen to my actor boyfriend
And i was like who? Lautner?
Then he was like. Yes. Him.
And i was like. Ayah,he was never my boyfriend.

So now everytime mama called
I always hope that mama wont even mention a thing about guys
Because im still not ready to tell.
I mean
How do you introduce your partner to your parents?
How do you do that?
Apparently asking dolah gave no result because he doesnt know it too.
We came up with a solution.
Raya visiting.

But still.
How??

I guess we have to wait for next year to know that.
InshaAllah...

Yerrrrrrrrrr fatin.

Bye.

P/s: maybe that dream is a good sign

I WANNA TAKE YOU OUT ON A DATE

Kyle: nak letak bag sini lah dekat cikgu. Cikgu kan cantik, pretty, wonderful..

Me: really? You think so?

Kyle: mm-hmm.. i wanna take you out. Buy you shoes, baju, bags. Bring you makan.. nak tak?

Me: nak! Bila?

Kyle: next time laa.. when im 18, ill have my own car. Then i take a test. To drive.

Me: then you bring me?

Kyle: ya laa.. i buy flowers, chocolates, then give to you lah..

Me: awwwww... so sweet..

Kyle iqram, 11

P/s: dolah, top that.  :p

RAYA 2014

Not too late to wish you selamat hari raya kan?
So selamat hari raya!!
I was working on my internship weekly report
which i stopped doing after week 2
Because im lazy like that.
But then i got bored and distracted
And hence the procrastination.
Ngeeee~~

Plus
Someone's busy doing his lesson plans and ABM
sebab ada observation tomorrow
So
Lets not disturb him okay?

So what's my raya been like this year?
Hmmmmm lemme see....

Slept for only like 3 hours or less, cleaning and decorating the house on raya eve
With a lil bit help from le brother
as well as pak osen and family.

raya day 1 was kinda hambar
So went out with amy and laila and her lil sister
For some chocolate brownies
Because well someone was craving for it and it wasnt amy or laila let alone her lil sister.

Raya day 2 with la famile
Which ended at Mok's house
Because Pak Asan had a lot of fireworks and decided to play it that night.

Raya day 3 with amy
Went to lina's open house
And boy her mom made the best rendang ever!
Since nobody else were home
So we went to sugarbakes for some tea
Because it was raining
And because amy didnt wanna go home yet
She had a family gathering that night so she sent me home before maghrib.
So managed to have some friends over.
Thanks nini eja nadia parina dolah abang hisyam and friends zikri salam samim ismail anip jaha munir and azam for coming!!

Raya day 4 with my other girls
Went to nini's open house with saza and muni
then met up with ajwad and arief
Went to eja's then roza's then amy's which i met up with fahdina then sent fahdina home which we met up with salam and ended up sending muni back with salam's car because was too lazy to drive.
Oh dont worry.
I left my car at fahdina's so went to get it after..

Raya day 5 were full of open houses.
Lunch at pak osen's
Hi-tea at saza's
Dinner at nisa's.

Stayed home on day 6
Because natasha wanted to come over.
Waited for her since morning and she only came after asar.
Went to watch guardians of the galaxy
With dolah that night
Im which i slept during most of the movie.
So much for a first date.
Hnnnnnnnghh..

Day 7?
Back to KL for i have work on monday.

I think that's about it.
Better get back to my report.

How's your raya?

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

Raya day 3,
If amy didnt have to go for a family gathering,
If i hadnt be home by maghrib,
If i wasnt being all random and said what i said,

I wouldnt have met you.

To know that someone appreciates you as you are,
That somoeone thinks you're cool and that the other men are blind not to notice that,
That someone is afraid to lose you to the other men,
That someone wouldnt let you be a cat lady living alone with 27 cats,

Is kinda awesome.
Thank you and i hope you meant every word.

Okay sila ingga bye.